I Woke Up In A Very Scary Middle Earth
by albinofrog88
Summary: Revised edition girl falls into middle earth, freaks out because english turns out to be the black language, and elves eventually try to set her up.I apologize for spelling errors
1. The Day I woke up in a very scary middle

Note:  I DO NOT OWN TOLKEIN (please say I spelled that right!!!!!) Nor do I own very many of the characters!!!!  I DON"T Own the rights to the movie either since some of the lines are from the movie and not the book.  

            It all started the day I woke up bald!!! I kid you not.  My hair was gone, believe me I even tried to find where it went, thinking my psychotic six year old brother might have thought it funny to shave my head.  This was not the case; believe me I wish it was.

Because at that moment my hair grew.  And not the pretty silken gold color, know a ratty brown color that looked nothing like my real hair and was wavy and messy.  Very messy like a rat's nest.  And my hair continued to grow.  Until it reached my butt!!! My butt!!! Way too long for me, I mean I take yoga classes and karate, how the hell am I supposed to fight in ruly, knotty ugly hair?

            But then my room changed.  Or more like left.  Like it saw my ugliness and ran fleeing and suddenly I wasn't in Florida anymore. No, no I was in some strangely pretty place that looked eerily familiar.

             I can't say I didn't freak out. I screamed. Like there was a huge 30-foot tarantula with my gym teacher's head on it.  Like it was throwing basketballs at my head, I screamed.  And suddenly someone with really long hair for a guy came up to me. And that was the precise minute I realized I knew exactly where I was. Exactly.  I was in cave overlooking a mountain. Just like one of the mountains in Lord Of The Rings. And the guy with really long hair? Legolas. Creepy.

            They stared at me like they thought they were seeing things.  They started speaking a really weird language that, though it was probably supposed to be elvish sounded more like the snake language in Harry Potter.

"How the hell did a human, a _girl_, get so high up on a mountain??" –Frodo

"Maybe she's not real??" –Merry  "I must admit after not eating for two days I can start seeing little green men sometimes and hear voices in my head telling me to kill.  Maybe this is just like that!" –Pippin. (They all stare at Pippin after this.  I started to get scared o what they were saying.  After a few minutes of staring they start to back away slowly.)

"Maybe we should kill her.  She might be after the ring!!!!! "And plus she looks like an elf" under his breath he starts muttering "can't exactly trust elves. Fiendish selfish creatures theys are.." –Gimli (Legolas looks like he's about to rip his head off. I continue to get more and more freaked out because whatever he said, it didn't sound nice.)

"Someone, please tell me one of you speaks English????" (Aragorn grabs his sword and looks like he's gonna use it on me. Gandalf says his hand from striking at me. I scream and start sobbing like a wuss [yeah, yeah, I know, so typical, the tough girl   crying. But his sword looked really big!! And I was just starting to notice the freezing cold wind]  

"Are you aware your speaking the black speech?" asked a seemingly confused Gandalf.

            Now you must understand that I jump to conclusions before I hear the whole thing through. So the second I hear "Are you aware" I jump up and hug Gandalf.  I mean not only did he stop blood-thirst Aragorn from plunging his knife into me, but he also found the goodness in his heart to speak my own language, and the maybe (hopefully) tell me just what was going on. But then I heard "black speech" and I froze while hugging him. Because I just realized that if he wasn't joking then I was in deep shit.  Because I realized that no matter how much I wanted it all to be a really funny, weird dream, I was getting really, really cold, really, really quickly, and no way in hell it's ever this cold in Florida. Not even in December.  And I realized, that if in this weird place, if English was considered the language of the dark lord (and I only know a couple words of Spanish. It's the one class I'm always skipping) then I was in really, really deep shit.  

Author's Note: Please don't kill me if you hate it!!! It's going to get funnier eventually!!! And please, please review. It would mean like soooooooooo much to me if you would review. Tell you what, if you review my story, I'll put you in it!!! No matter how many people review it!!! Even like if a hundred people (ha, like that could ever happen) I promise I'll put you in the story. Just tell me what name you want (ya know your screen name or your first name) in your review ad I'll insert you in next chapter. Who knows? I might even make someone a major character!!!!


	2. The beginning

Note: My offer still stands.  Someone please review!!!!

I yelled. I had been doing a lot of that lately, ever since I woke up here. I let go of Gandalf.

"I am very sorry sir, if you think I speak black speech. But it is the only language I know (I ducked afraid this would push him over the edge. It didn't so instead I backed up and recoiled. "I'm human and I'm not from here. I come from a neutral place. Sure there's some evil in Florida (not much though, it's known for being the home of Grannys everywhere, and of course Disneyland) but there's also some really good nursing homes where people like you can rest."

"People like me?"-Gandalf

"No offense, but the first step is admitting your too old to climb mountains." –me

"I don't think your evil."

"I'm not"

"All right then.  I think you had better come with us."-Gandalf (Gandalf then turns around and says he has heard of places where they have been attacked by orks so many times the children are forced to grow up learning black speech.  They all look doubtful but the girl didn't look too scary in a tank top and a skirt and she looked really cold.)

"Does she speak any other languages?-Legolas (strangely as he had spoken that I had started to understand him. I turn to the wizard, he had a smirk on his face.  Thinking he had done some sort of spell I ventured to try and communicate with the others.

"Whatever language I'm speaking now, I know it too"

"elvish and black speech, you'd figure someone else other than me would see it as a sign.." Gimli mutters under his breath

"hey, looks who's talking, you big fat.." cut short by Gandalf eyeing me warningly, I quiet down. Suddenly Legolas's face lights up. 

"Hey she isn't as bad as I though she was after all" And with that Gandalf gives me a hand up and we start walking down the mountain.

_Why is Gandalf helping her? How will she fit in with the fellowship? Can she survive the cold in a sleeveless dress? Find out the answers to these annoying questions and more in chapter 3... coming soon (probably tomorrow, which means today since it turned midnight twenty minutes ago)_


	3. Frodo's niceor is he a sexist bastard? n...

Note: Thanks to my reviewers! Sorry it took so long to update, I was busy and then my computer was down for a while, I'm starting to think it hates me.  And I won't put anyone in the story unless they say they want to be. I'd forgotten all about that from before, and didn't change the author's notes, stupid me! If you want to be though, please give me an appropriate name. Last time one of the s/ns was "annoyed tps fan" which isn't exactly the best name to incorporate into a story. Now on with the story… (hope this chapter's dialogue isn't too hard to understand)

Trudging down the very tall mountain, I begin to think, as there was nothing else to do. "hey why are we going down the mountain, when you haven't reached the top yet???" "Oh, and why exactly are you all in a group. I mean, no offense, but you don't all seem like buddies" (Gimli and Legolas eye each other in what can only be described as unconditional hatred.  Meanwhile Boromir looks like he's going to say something mean.) I suck in some very sharp air and brace myself.

"funny, how we could ask you the very same thing." –Boromir

"Ugh, no offense, but I don't see myself as nine people all at once. So basically it's impossible to look at another one of myself in contempt" –me

"That made no sense what so ever, but you look the coldest of us all so I'll answer you"-Frodo (he then proceeds to wrap a spare blanket he takes out of a pouch and wrap it around my hunched over shoulders[It's so cold!].

"Thank-you."

"No problem. Anyways we're on a sort of mission.  Of course, we can't exactly tell you what this mission is.. Interuppting I say, "You're going to Mordor to destroy the ring." (It was cold, and I tend to speak without thought. Anyways even though I hadn't read all three books and hadn't gotten around to renting the movie, I had read one or two of the books a whole bunch of years ago to satisfy a friend of mine.  I eventually gave them up though, since it's hard  for someone like me[not exactly a book worm] to read the 1,000 pages it would require]

Anyways this time Boromir joins Aragorn in grabbing his sword, though neither look as murderous as before, and plus none of them actually draw their swords. Legolas(who looking at Gandalf's unsurprised face) doesn't pick up his bow but does give me evil looks along with Gimli (well at least they agree on something) and the hobbits.

"You know of the ring?????"-Frodo says in a nervous, almost scared tone of voice (If he can be scared considering he was, after all climbing a huge mountain during a storm and is only 4 ft. tall to boot.)

"oh fuck(I have a problem with swearing, I'll readily admit) didn't mean to scare you.  You see though, I'm a friend of (thinking of a liable excuse) Saruman's (forgetting he was an evil wizard and thinking he was a friend of Gandalf's), and you see, he told me all about you. 

This causes everyone to look cautious and Legolas to ask me if I had any idea what I was saying.  Gandalf looking at him and then everyone else, and finally me, grumbles in black speech (English)

"I don't know who you are.  You remind me of someone, an ignorant elf, I tried to foster and teach, from long ago, who eventually got herself killed, but THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU"RE GOOD. (his voice raised by ten octaves) AND THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU"RE A FRIEND! Yet as I am usually good at judging charaters (apparently not thinking of Saruman) I sense you are simply very stupid and gullible. I will tell you: Saruman is evil. Do not mention his name again unless it is to say something bad about him, or to discuss his growing (EVIL) power. We are good. Gondor and Rohan are good.  Those two countries, if mentioned, will not be met with a sword.  If you say you are a friend of Saruman's, and I can't think of any reason why you would, it WILL be met with a sword.  Now what do you have to say of yourself?" –Gandalf

" Like I said, I'm not from here (unlike Gandalf I use my new language to speak). I wasn't aware Saruman was evil. I'VE BEEN USED! (Gandalf glares) But I'll be nice to all of you.  Really I mean only the best of wishes (Aragorn continues not to relax his grip on his sword, and I begin to fear he never will) and I'll try and stay as quiet as possible for the rest of the way down.

Though the rest seem unconvinced but are forced to allow me to walk with them (they seem to hold Gandalf in the highest respect) they continue to walk, whispering under their breath  about the strange girl. Gandalf mutters quietly "which will be as far as your allowed to go with us" but since he says this in a language no one knows (except for the girl, she recognizes the sound of Spanish but has no idea what his words mean).  Meanwhile Frodo bravely walks up to the strange(in both looks and actions) girl

"I believe you.  If only because you're a girl and I doubt that the dark lord would use girl as weapons (laughs quietly).  But let me introduce you to my group of friends.  He's Meridoc Brandybuck "call me Merry, everyone else does", he says in a tired and forlorn way.  That's Pereagrin Took, "call me Pippin, or even Pip, we're all going to die anyways. ("wow this mountains really getting to them", I think in my head) and that's Sam (all he does in glare in an unfriendly mannor, reminding her of the way Gimli looks at Legolas, but in a less harsh way.)  


End file.
